| |
Tools For Conscious Awareness
Newsletter For
A Next Step...Light Center for Transformation and Healing
Vol. 94 -Addendum- July, 2008
In Truth, Simplicity, Love and Service
.................
FEATURES:
FIREWALKING SEMINAR
NO WONDER I DONT SEE YOU
HEALING THE SEXUAL-SPIRITUAL SPLIT
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
.................
There is only one reason
We have followed God into this world:
To encourage laughter, freedom, dance
And love.
~Renderings of Hafiz~
............................................................................................................................................................
Develop Absolute Certainty and Self Confidence
Focus your Intention and Change your Life
Improve your Relationships in Business and Personal Life
Increase your Vitality. Overcome your Fears and Limitations
Saturday, August 16th, 2008
4-10.p.m.
Registration payment must be received by August 13th
$100 per person before August 13th,
$125 at the door
Family discount: first person full price
Immediate family members ½ price
Senior discount--Age 60 or over ½ price
Call 575-640-2932 or 575-382-2078
For Registration and Information
Send registration payments to
Phoenix Transformational Services
5900 Leaping Lizard Loop
Las Cruces, N. M. 88012-7069
Dear ones,
Kelley and I personally encourage you to attend this seminar.
Marvin is an excellent firewalk instructor. Even if you do not walk,
just being present, will alter your perception and expand your awareness.
You are my face: no wonder I don't see You:
such closeness is a mystifying veil.
You are my reason: it's no wonder I don't see You,
because of all this perplexity of thought.
You are nearer to me than my jugular vein.
- Rumi
This message is available online at
http://www.WantToKnow.info/008/080630_sexuality_spirituality_healing
"As I continued walking the board, I asked all the participants to raise their
hands as soon as I got to a place where they felt they got stuck. In one walk across,
every hand in the room, including Sister Greta's, went up. Everyone looked around in
surprise no one more surprised than me. Every one of the forty participants experienced
the same paralysis that I had thought was my unique struggle. Everyone in the room
acknowledged that they had all thought it was their unique struggle. We were all
suffering from a sexual-spiritual split."
-- Michael Picucci in Healing the Sexual-Spiritual Split
Dear friends,
The tremendously moving article below reveals that almost all of us have wounds around
our sexuality in relationship to spirituality. The creative author gives a powerful,
inspiring example of how we can begin to heal the split between sexuality and spirituality
that exists in each of us individually, and in our society as a whole. I most highly
recommend reading the entire article so that you might experience a taste of this deep
healing yourself.
With very best wishes,
Fred Burks for PEERS and the WantToKnow.info Team
Healing the Sexual-Spiritual Split
A Weekend to Remember
By Michael Picucci
This story of a powerful weekend retreat tells how the cultural concept of the sexual-
spiritual split came to me. This awareness also fueled my years of research since on
common challenges that can be healed more efficiently in a cultural rather than
strictly personal context.
The discovery of a sexual-spiritual split came during a weekend spirituality retreat
that I presented in 1984 at Veritas Villa in New York's Catskill Mountains. On Friday
evening, I polled the group of forty women and men to determine what areas of recovery
they would like to focus on.
A young man in the back of the room sheepishly yelled out, "Let's talk about sex!"
Since this was scheduled to be a workshop on "spirituality in recovery" everyone found
the suggestion amusing. A raucous conversation took place in the room, after which the
group implored me to address sex.
Always up for a good challenge, I agreed to schedule a Saturday afternoon workshop to
investigate sexuality in recovery. In 1984, this was more challenging than it is today.
Since the weekend had been created to explore spirituality issues, I felt challenged to
integrate the two. There was another aspect of challenge that tested me in the fifteen
hours I would have to prepare for the Saturday afternoon workshop. My co-facilitator was
a Catholic nun named Sister Greta!
A significantly painful aspect of my own internalized sexual-spiritual split was planted
by a nun when I was about seven. I had never totally healed from that trauma talk about
synchronicity! Although I knew Sister Greta to be a highly compassionate addictions
counselor, I could feel a critical mass building inside. The universe was going to heal
me whether I liked it or not.
Friday evening, before I went to sleep, I felt deep within that this situation offered a
serendipitous occasion for healing. At that point I still didn't know what to do to create
interactive participation around this theme of sexuality within the framework of a
spiritual retreat. With all the symbolic transference that Sister Greta elicited, the
lingering awareness that she would be observing and participating, embarrassed and
unsettled me. It triggered all my unconscious fears surrounding my own split. It was
hell!
In the few spare moments I had between facilitating other aspects of the retreat, I
observed my experience with sex as it relates to my concept of spirituality in addictions
recovery. I decided that I would share my personal experiences with the group as a
stimulus for discussion.
As the afternoon approached, I could feel both a fear and a mysterious power building
inside of me. At lunch I told Sister Greta how nervous I was discussing sex with her in
the room. Of course, I see in retrospect that this was highlighting my own sexual-spiritual
split even before I had named it. She fortuitously replied, "Oh, go ahead, go for it
Michael! You aren't going to say anything I haven't already heard; and if you do, I look
forward to hearing it."
As the session started, I stood in front of the room nervously holding a piece of chalk.
Sister Greta was sitting on a piano bench in the back corner. I looked back at her and we
both began to laugh, and at that moment it came to me.
I would share with the group my most recent discovery how I have been separating the
concepts of intimacy, sensuality, and sex in my own mind, and how helpful that realization
has been to my own sexuality breakthroughs. I darted to the blackboard and put those three
words, intimacy, sensuality, and sex, in that order, from left to right at the top of the
board, and started discussing the words.
Initially, the group was enlivened though chaotic. They tended to want to lump the words
together. I could actually see participants' faces twisted in confusion as they attempted
to define these words as independent concepts. When the confusion was well established, I
suggested that group members call out words they associated with the word "intimacy." As
they did so, I wrote the following words under the intimacy column on the board: "warmth,"
"communication," "honesty," "caring," "smile," "knowing," "trust," "openness," and so on.
Then we moved to the center column headed by the word "sensuality." As people got silly
and awkward they began calling out these words: "touching," "candlelight," "smell," "lick,"
"biting," "tickling," "music," "whispering," "massage." The list went on and on.
Last, I called for words associated with sex, requesting that we not repeat words already
used even though they may have sexual associations. People were obviously embarrassed, as
I observed them slyly looking at each other. The presence of Sister Greta was ominous.
One woman in front of the room whispered "penis," and everyone in the room giggled as I
put it on the board. Then Sister Greta shouted out "orgasm," and the room went into a roar.
I listed it on the board, too. Then the words just started coming: "vagina," "cum"
(everyone was curious as to where that spelling originated), "fuck," "suck," "fantasy,"
"cunnilingus," and a few others. Sister Greta laughed and laughed with a magical healing
energy. Without needing to overtly acknowledge or define it, everyone knew that a very
special healing was touching us all.
This laugher fueled another insight in me. I was reminded of my own recent thoughts on
how difficult it had been to merge my sexuality with an on-going, loving relationship.
My fear of self-disclosure relaxed, and I saw how I might bring the group to a second
tier of discovery by sharing my own polarizations in these areas for the group to
identify with.
For a few more minutes we lingered with our creation on the board. There were still some
confused expressions in the room and some quasi-enlightened remarks. Sam, a 22-year-old
former marijuana addict shared, "I have never thought of separating those ideas before.
To me they are all the same thing. Looking at them separately sort of twists my brain.
I don't know what to do with it, but it looks like an important discovery. What should
I do with it?"
Allowing this question to provide a transition into the next level of the exercise, I
asked Sam if he would join me in the front of the room to help demonstrate an answer to
his question. He agreed. Sam and I stood facing the blackboard. I suggested that he was
representing the entire group in this exercise.
I already knew that Sam was not married, he did not have a significant other, and he
wasn't dating at the time. I asked him, "Sam, if you met someone that you were attracted
to, what would you aim toward first, intimacy or sex?" While doing this I paced back and
forth in front of the board pointing at the three headings, first in one direction,
then the other.
As I "walked the board," I demonstrated the "journey" from each side, first starting
with sex (a very common starting point when one has an addictions history), through
sensuality and finally to intimacy. Reversing myself, I started at intimacy, moved
through sensuality, and then to sex. I then asked Sam and the group to tune into their
bodies and feelings and imagine that they were entering a dating situation from both
sides, and note their feelings and sensations.
Sam blurted out, "I can't do it. I can't go either way. I can start OK, I can do that
from either side, although the intimacy would be new to me. But I don't think I can
have both. When I was using pot, it was easy to just have sex. Now that I'm clean, it
doesn't work that way. My sponsor says I should date and get to know someone first,
but I get terrified and just shut down."
As I continued walking the board, I asked all the participants to raise their hands
as soon as I got to a place where they felt they got stuck or paralyzed. In one walk
across, every hand in the room, including Sister Greta's, went up. Everyone looked
around in surprise no one more surprised than me. Every one of the forty participants
experienced the same paralysis that I had thought was my unique struggle. Everyone in
the room acknowledged that they had all thought it was their unique struggle. We were
all suffering from a sexual-spiritual split.
I shared some of the other damaging sexual messages that I received early on: that God
was synonymous with love, warmth, family, goodness and wholesomeness, and that sex was
shameful, disgusting, sinful (mortally so), ungodly and spoken of only in whispers,
dirty jokes and sneers. I also told the group that I had uncovered this internalized
unconscious split in myself only recently, and that this discovery was finally allowing
me to merge these two dynamic, energetic birthrights.
We all have our own version of this internalization. With such a deeply embedded,
dualistic concept, how can one possibly bond in love and bring shame-based sex into
relationship? The unconscious sends up powerful, though often deceptive, barriers that
prevent a fulfilling merger.
A good example of this comes from my own childhood. When I was about seven, I attended
catechism class, which was a requirement for all good Catholics. The class was taught
by a nun in full habit: an imposing authority figure to a little boy!
The class had about thirty students; in fact, I can remember sitting in the middle of
a row on the left. The nun was explaining the difference between venial and mortal sin
(venial being the lesser one, while mortal seemed to mean that you would be doomed to
eternal hell). With these definitions on the blackboard, she pointed at them and strongly
proclaimed, "To touch your private parts, or someone else's, is a MORTAL sin! MORTAL,
mind you, not venial."
I was in shock: I was already doomed. Not only had I touched my private parts, but I
had explored the private parts of friends during our games of "doctor." It was
devastating to me: not even eight years old, and I was going to hell.
I spent many years thereafter trying to repent to God, making deals to not do it
again, only to fail in humiliation and sinfulness. I regretfully share that I was
31 years old before I was able to uproot this demon and quiet the internalized havoc
that it brought to my intimate relationships.
Patrick Carnes touched on the subject of the sexual-spiritual split in his book on
sex addiction, Don't Call It Love. He writes, "Much damage has been done to sexuality
in the name of religion. The result inhibits progress on both planes. To heal, start
by acknowledging that sexuality is about meaning and that spirituality is about meaning.
Search for areas of commonness between the two. Be gentle with yourself about old
tortuous conflicts. They are not about you. They never were."
Initially, most adults in recovery do not realize that they have incurred this psychic
split, nor do they remember its origins, but they certainly experience the results.
You might find the scenario familiar: once you begin to date, you may experience
infatuation, even love and eros. Sex may be very pleasurable. Usually within three
to six months, bonding begins as you share struggles and joys.
At this point the unconscious polarity begins to haunt the relationship. Since you are
not necessarily aware of your past damages or repressed traumas, you may begin to
amplify your partner's imperfections in an unconscious attempt to sabotage the
relationship. Or you might stay in the relationship and feel inadequate because sex
is more work than fulfillment. You may even avoid sex altogether. Simply stated,
once bonding occurs, either love or sex must be abandoned. Until we heal this sexual-
spiritual split, they cannot seem to live in the same house.
People began to ask, "How can we do it?" In the uncanny, magical flow of that afternoon,
I suggested that we move on to the final piece of the exercise and asked for another
volunteer. A man in his mid-40s named Gary stood up. His wife Carol, who was sitting
beside him, was aghast, laughing and turning red with embarrassment. Someone else
roared out, "You can't do it, you're married."
Gary cut through the lighthearted bantering and replied, "Yes I can. I've been married
14 years and sober for 16, and this damn split has haunted every minute of every day
of my marriage. I love Carol, but you would never know it by the way I act sexually
and intimately. I'd really like to work on this." So we did.
During a break that preceded this part of the exercise, we had moved the chairs from
the center and I procured some large 16" x 20" sheets of paper and some felt-tipped
marker to make signs. I asked Gary to stand in the center of the room.
I thanked Gary for his honesty and courage to take part in this psychodrama, and then
asked him to take a deep breath and relax, look around the room, and notice all the
friendly faces. He did so, beginning to smile and relax. I asked him to go deep into
his memory and share with us an early message that he received about sex, and to just
look within and say whatever comes up without censoring himself. Gary related, "You'll
go blind if you play with yourself." I thanked him and wrote that message with a felt-
tip marker on a placard.
Then I asked Gary to pick another participant to represent whoever gave him that
message, and he selected an older women named Martha. I asked Martha to hold up the
placard six feet in front of Gary and face him.
Then I asked Gary for another message that he had received while growing up. He
responded, "Women are sluts." I put it on a placard and Gary picked another workshop
participant to represent the person who had given him this message. This time he
picked a big, strapping man in his late thirties named Mike. I invited Mike to hold
the placard in front of Gary next to Martha, and begin to form a circle.
This continued with messages like "Sex is sinful," "Vaginas are ugly," "You are a
pervert," "Women should be virgins," and so on until we had eight people circling
Gary and holding placards toward him.
The last message he shared was, "You will do it if you love me." As I wrote the
placard, I asked him what it meant. He answered, almost crying, "That's what my
uncle would say to me when he molested me."
As Gary took some deep breaths to regain his composure he said, "I've never told anyone,
not even Carol, about this before. I can't believe I said it." The visual image was quite
profound: Gary in the center of the room being encircled by these early messages.
As Gary tried to compose himself further, I encouraged him to stay present and avoid
zipping up his defenses. To enhance the experiential component of the vignette, I asked
the "message bearers" to turn the placards toward themselves and loudly read the messages
to Gary one by one. I instructed them to keep going around and reading them louder and
faster until I asked them to stop.
This continued for about two minutes, bringing everyone in the room (especially Gary)
to a fevered pitch of discomfort. After stopping the action, I checked in with Gary and
asked how he was doing. He replied, "I can't believe I carry all that with me all the
time, especially to bed."
I then asked Carol if she would participate, to help us complete the exercise. She said
yes, and I asked her to stand about six feet outside the circle facing Gary. I instructed
the message bearers to go around reading the messages one more time. Then I asked Carol
if all of this made her feel close or distant from Gary. I said, "Does it make you
want to move closer or further away?" She replied, "I want to stay right here, I feel
like there is a wall between us."
I then invited the group to share. Everyone was enlightened by the realization of how
these deep inner messages make sexual intimacy impossible. They could see it and they
could feel it; it was crystal clear.
I suggested that we move on to a symbolic exercise that would release these unwelcome,
uninvited demons. I directed Gary to slowly, one by one, tell the message bearers,
"Take back your lousy message. I don't want it. It isn't mine and it never was." I
suggested that as he addressed each one, to tear up the placard and then either throw
it on the floor or give it back to the bearer and dismiss them from their role.
After Gary "gave back" the first two messages, I checked in with Carol. I asked her
if she was feeling any different. She reported that she felt a little closer to Gary,
that he seemed more open and available as he discharged the symbolic carriers of these
messages. I suggested that she move closer as she intuitively felt his availability.
When all the messages were confronted, Gary just stood there facing Carol and began to
gently weep.
As all the walls and barriers melted, Carol gracefully moved towards him. As she did,
Gary fell to his knees sobbing, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. I didn't mean to push you
away like that. I have been bringing all of these ghosts into bed with us all these
years." Carol joined him in a kneeling position. They embraced in a manner that included
all of us in their intimate connection.
The wall of shame was gone. The room glowed with a healing spirit. We all spontaneously
became more open, affectionate, and tactile. I stood in warm embrace with Sister Greta.
Other participants gently touched or leaned on each other as we all bathed in the
intimate healing energy generated by Gary's courageous uncovery process. In those moments
I experienced transcendence and simultaneously understood what the humanist therapist
Carl Rogers meant when he said, "Whatever is most personal is most general."
As the afternoon session came to a close, participants were sharing their insights
regarding their own repressed shaming messages, and wanted to know how they could
continue this healing work on their own. I offered to share some techniques with them,
and we designated time on Sunday morning for this purpose.
I was awed and positively overwhelmed by the grace and power in these various exercises
which have since been incorporated into our recovery workshops. I have come to realize
that the resolution of the sexuality-spirituality split is a milestone in this vital
work.
Excerpted from The Journey Toward Complete Recovery: Reclaiming Your Emotional, Spiritual
& Sexual Wholeness by Michael Picucci
See our collection of inspirational resources at
http://www.WantToKnow.info/inspirational
Your tax-deductible donations, however large or small, help greatly to support this
important work.
To make a donation by credit card, check, or money order:
http://www.WantToKnow.info/donationswtk
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to
a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her
out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other
regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and,
without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight,
we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's
been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: gosh. Six months?
And Elaine is thinking: but, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship,
either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about
whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I
mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level
of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started
going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme
check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here!
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this
completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more
commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: and I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't
care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to
blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and
this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent
thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel
so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not
sure.
And Roger is thinking: they'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly
what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come
riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person,
a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to
truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl
romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty.
I'll take their warranty and stick it right up...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with
tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs...
"I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no
knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come
up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become
very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At
last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and
weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of
Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a
tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going
on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This
is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they
will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they
will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time
again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months,
never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and
Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
In Truth, Simplicity, Love and Service,
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti, Om Peace.
Young Toni Delgado and Young Kelley Elkins
A NEXT STEP...Light Center for Transformation and Healing
P.O.Box 429
Dona Ana, New Mexico 88032
toni@anextstep.org
www.anextstep.org
575-382-8771
Buy Toni's new book: A CALL TO MOTHERS GRACE AND GIFTS
Go to OUR STORE: bottom of page at www.anextstep.org to order it.
Also available at iuniverse.com, amazon, barnesandnoble, borders.
|
|
